Where did she go? The innocent, cheerful girl, who started this blog seven years ago. Who thought that nothing was impossible in this world. Who was too romantic to believe in practicality. Who wanted to travel the world, travel to a new country and make a mark there. Who was little enough to not really understand what responsibility means but old enough to think she was responsible. Who was truly happy, without thinking too much about what happiness really means, where it really stems from. Whose world was wrapped up in her friends.
Where did she go?
I wish she had stayed. I wish she had never left. But no matter how deep I search within myself, I cannot find her. Worse, I can't even find a way to bring her back. Everyone says, life keeps moving forward. I'm not sure if that's necessarily a good thing. I want my life to move backwards, to a simpler time, a simpler life.
4 weeks ago, on a Sunday my mom told me, she had been seeing my father's heart doctor and is going to have to have a heart procedure urgently. That Thursday, when she told me it was scheduled for Saturday, I was sitting on the plane that afternoon, on my way. I have never felt so scared, so lonely in my life. The roles reversed. Suddenly, I had to grow up and be what my mom is always to me. A rock, a support, the grown up. The girl, seven years ago would have spilled out all her fears and the thoughts that went through her mind here. Me, I am too scared to even think them again.
Ever since I came back to the US, I have been waiting to feel normal again. Even though things went fine, and my mother is better now, I can't seem to get back on track. Nothing helps. I feel disinterested in any and everything. Mostly, I feel angry. If I am not angry, I feel depressed. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't even know why. I guess I do know why. Such vulnerability in life has left me shaken, and I can't seem to get out of it.
Please bear with me, as I try to steer my life, my mind and my heart to a regular rhythm. Please keep my mom in your thoughts and prayers.
Where did she go?
I wish she had stayed. I wish she had never left. But no matter how deep I search within myself, I cannot find her. Worse, I can't even find a way to bring her back. Everyone says, life keeps moving forward. I'm not sure if that's necessarily a good thing. I want my life to move backwards, to a simpler time, a simpler life.
4 weeks ago, on a Sunday my mom told me, she had been seeing my father's heart doctor and is going to have to have a heart procedure urgently. That Thursday, when she told me it was scheduled for Saturday, I was sitting on the plane that afternoon, on my way. I have never felt so scared, so lonely in my life. The roles reversed. Suddenly, I had to grow up and be what my mom is always to me. A rock, a support, the grown up. The girl, seven years ago would have spilled out all her fears and the thoughts that went through her mind here. Me, I am too scared to even think them again.
Ever since I came back to the US, I have been waiting to feel normal again. Even though things went fine, and my mother is better now, I can't seem to get back on track. Nothing helps. I feel disinterested in any and everything. Mostly, I feel angry. If I am not angry, I feel depressed. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't even know why. I guess I do know why. Such vulnerability in life has left me shaken, and I can't seem to get out of it.
Please bear with me, as I try to steer my life, my mind and my heart to a regular rhythm. Please keep my mom in your thoughts and prayers.
3 comments:
...and these are the times I feel terrible for not having written/commented earlier! I was just going to write to you asking where you had vanished...and I'm sad I had to read this here today.
I can completely understand your situation. Just imagining it makes me SCARED! And imagining how I will feel about it (because I know me!) makes me even terrified! It makes you question your decisions in life, doesn't it?
Glad to know that everything is fine and your mom is doing well. Praying for you and yours.
Hugs Baby! I can understand how you feel. Health issues of parents make us paranoid , apprehensive and insecure and distance is an add on factor on such feelings.
Don't you worry baby, things will be alright soon .Give yourself some time to get composed .
Evolving into a support , having to grow up and not being the same is actually 'rising to the occassion , doing your part ' . I am sooo proud of my niece who I always consider a sweety pie , little girl ansd also, know in my heart of heart has the ability to grow up when life demands of it.
SnS - You got that exactly... I think, I am just too sad to be so far away and question my decision to come to US everyday. I hope I can go back soon though...It sucks to be so far away. And I was really really terrified myself.
Kirti Maushi - Thanks Maushi..I don't know if I was able to exactly "rise to the occasion" as soon as I heard everything (cos I started crying on the phone, the first time aai told me), but I think I was able to kind of get there eventually... Anything but this for the growing up part.... Distance makes everything worse...
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