I don't even know what that means. And I don't even want to find out. I mean it really does sound like - amoeba or something.
Anyway...this morning suddenly my frustration lifted, while I was reading this. No not the review, the actual book. I was reading the actual book. And I thought, if that kid survived what he was going through, surely my situation can only help me become stronger and more resistant in life. And probably teach me to not let people get to me.
So many things come to my mind that I could write about which slip away before I can find time enough to even make a note in my head. These last few weeks of summer - when it actually feels like summer - keep slipping right out of my hand, except for a few moments like - my scream stuck in my throat when I sat in scream. Or like - after a long day of continuous working - how a friend telling me that she was putting on body wash instead of body lotion for a week, made me laugh like a mad woman. Laughter does help de-stress btw!
Obviously, by now you must have realized there's no real point to this post. And if you are not going to read, I am not going to write any further. I do have self-respect you know!!
Later dude!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I am just so mad!
That I am not even feeling guilty about sitting in front of someone,wishing bad things for them while they were speaking to me!!
I know. It's not right. I am a bad person. Okay, I'll take back whatever I wished, but if you were in my place you would do the same. People can be so f**king unreasonable and unfair, that you can't believe they are human and not just some animal. Frigging B*****d!!!!
On a much much different and happier note Avanti has tagged me for two tags :)
I will do them as soon as I get some time, which I am really falling short of right now thanks to certain f**king someone!!
Later!
I know. It's not right. I am a bad person. Okay, I'll take back whatever I wished, but if you were in my place you would do the same. People can be so f**king unreasonable and unfair, that you can't believe they are human and not just some animal. Frigging B*****d!!!!
On a much much different and happier note Avanti has tagged me for two tags :)
I will do them as soon as I get some time, which I am really falling short of right now thanks to certain f**king someone!!
Later!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Diet, Distraction & Distance
On my mind, but not in that order.
So, yea I know all of you are going to say, I don't need a diet. And well, yea looking at me I probably don't. But I really really need to lose some lbs, for my health, as PCOD and Spondylolisthesis become worse if I am even a little overweight, which they now have. Also, a friend was doing this, so I just decided to do it with her, so that I have someone to crib to(apart from M, someone who gets it) while I am at it. Now you ask me, why not some exercise instead, and I would say yes I want to do that too, just that I don't get around to doing it everyday, and this is getting kinda urgent!And so, the mighty have fallen to desperate measures of eating only fruits and vegetables and soups for a week!
Over the weekend, S moved to another city to look for jobs. God alone knows how I am going to manage without her. She defines whatever I know of this city man. We discovered and delighted in its wonders together. She helped me become the person that I am today, that I love to be(though she won't agree!). Together we laughed at the nothing and yet the something in all the nothingness. Actually, I don't have words to describe this loss. After I came back from dropping her, and after she had reached, it hit me while sleeping, I can never just meet her in the middle of the night again. Not that I have ever done that, but it was always comforting to know, I could. I had decided to write so much down...but now I cant bring myself to...I think it's too private, so much that even she does not know about all these thoughts...nobody does.
I also believe, that this diet is giving me an aim, something to focus on so that I don't think so much. Cos, there's nothing much I can do. So these days it's all about finding distractions from things on my mind - missing my family, missing S, trying to come to terms with so many little changes that only I can see....!Changes that cannot be expressed in words...or maybe they can be..but not just yet.....
Later!
So, yea I know all of you are going to say, I don't need a diet. And well, yea looking at me I probably don't. But I really really need to lose some lbs, for my health, as PCOD and Spondylolisthesis become worse if I am even a little overweight, which they now have. Also, a friend was doing this, so I just decided to do it with her, so that I have someone to crib to(apart from M, someone who gets it) while I am at it. Now you ask me, why not some exercise instead, and I would say yes I want to do that too, just that I don't get around to doing it everyday, and this is getting kinda urgent!And so, the mighty have fallen to desperate measures of eating only fruits and vegetables and soups for a week!
Over the weekend, S moved to another city to look for jobs. God alone knows how I am going to manage without her. She defines whatever I know of this city man. We discovered and delighted in its wonders together. She helped me become the person that I am today, that I love to be(though she won't agree!). Together we laughed at the nothing and yet the something in all the nothingness. Actually, I don't have words to describe this loss. After I came back from dropping her, and after she had reached, it hit me while sleeping, I can never just meet her in the middle of the night again. Not that I have ever done that, but it was always comforting to know, I could. I had decided to write so much down...but now I cant bring myself to...I think it's too private, so much that even she does not know about all these thoughts...nobody does.
I also believe, that this diet is giving me an aim, something to focus on so that I don't think so much. Cos, there's nothing much I can do. So these days it's all about finding distractions from things on my mind - missing my family, missing S, trying to come to terms with so many little changes that only I can see....!Changes that cannot be expressed in words...or maybe they can be..but not just yet.....
Later!
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
It's surprisingly accurate!
Though I haven't watched the movie....the short description sounds quite correct.....
Monday, July 06, 2009
Beyond space and time...
Dear Aaji,
When Aai told me on Thursday night, that you had passed away, I could not digest it. I knew it was coming, and yet it was hard to believe at first. But it sunk in, and I found myself short of breath. I did not know whether I was going to cry. But I did. As much as I had prayed for your suffering to end, despite feeling guilty for it, for so long, I was grieving for a void, that now nobody can ever fill. I was bitter for the fact that, I am now, officially without grandparents. And I was distressed that it has been more than a year since I saw you or spoke to you. The last time when I saw you, you were already losing your memory day by day. You had asked me again and again, about my life in US, how I live here, and I had repeated everything to you again and again. You were weaker and older than any other time that I remembered, and I was filled with sadness, to see you like that. I regretted then bringing you one gift from US, that you could no longer use - a book. You used to love reading, not just Hindi and Marathi, but also, English. I was awed by this, since even Aai declines to read English books if she can help it. But then, you could no longer retain information in your mind for more than a few minutes, to read an entire book. But you appreciated it just the same, looking at me lovingly. My heart breaks to think that I will never ever be bestowed with a love, that only grandparents are capable of, that I will never see you looking at me lovingly and with pride, asking me about my life, my studies.
I remember, Aai complaining proudly, that I am your favorite grandchild and hence she cannot scold me in front of you without making you angry as well. I took advantage of it so many times, getting away with things, that nobody else did. I remember when I was leaving for US, you instructed me to not marry an American. I could see you were worried beyond belief, wondering why I was going at all. I remember you telling me to be guarded and alert, to not roam around alone and to study and finish masters sincerely.
I should have seen this coming, and I think at some level I did too, when I got the news of you being admitted in hospital some weeks back. And I kept praying to God to end your pain, and I kept feeling guilty for it. Now that you are gone, I see my prayers were answered. But I don't feel guilty anymore, now that I know your pain is over finally. And don't you worry Aaji, I will be fine. I will always remember you. I will always look at your struggle in life, when I am struggling. I will always remember your patience and giving nature when I am short of them. I will survive, cos I am your granddaughter and you were a survivor.
When I heard of your departure, I cried bitterly. I regretted not having been in India. For the first time I felt more lonely than ever. And I wanted to hide my face in Aai's lap and bawl. Instead, I cried in my pillow, till I fell asleep. When I called the next day, your body had departed too, with all the rituals complete. I felt some peace to know that. And I felt immense pride when Aai told me that you donated your eyes. Looking at you it's hard to believe someone can be that giving. I never told you this - but I am proud to have had you as my grandma. I say "have had" cos I don't want to stop you from the next journey that you have now undertaken(like Baba says), or want you to hesitate. Don't worry about me, I will be fine. I am sad that you are now gone, but I am happy that you did not suffer much. I will miss you. Always. And I wish I could be more like you - patient, giving and a fighter to the end.
Love,
Me
P.S.: I will always miss the lonacha that you helped Aai prepare every summer, and which never tastes the same if you are not a part of it.
When Aai told me on Thursday night, that you had passed away, I could not digest it. I knew it was coming, and yet it was hard to believe at first. But it sunk in, and I found myself short of breath. I did not know whether I was going to cry. But I did. As much as I had prayed for your suffering to end, despite feeling guilty for it, for so long, I was grieving for a void, that now nobody can ever fill. I was bitter for the fact that, I am now, officially without grandparents. And I was distressed that it has been more than a year since I saw you or spoke to you. The last time when I saw you, you were already losing your memory day by day. You had asked me again and again, about my life in US, how I live here, and I had repeated everything to you again and again. You were weaker and older than any other time that I remembered, and I was filled with sadness, to see you like that. I regretted then bringing you one gift from US, that you could no longer use - a book. You used to love reading, not just Hindi and Marathi, but also, English. I was awed by this, since even Aai declines to read English books if she can help it. But then, you could no longer retain information in your mind for more than a few minutes, to read an entire book. But you appreciated it just the same, looking at me lovingly. My heart breaks to think that I will never ever be bestowed with a love, that only grandparents are capable of, that I will never see you looking at me lovingly and with pride, asking me about my life, my studies.
I remember, Aai complaining proudly, that I am your favorite grandchild and hence she cannot scold me in front of you without making you angry as well. I took advantage of it so many times, getting away with things, that nobody else did. I remember when I was leaving for US, you instructed me to not marry an American. I could see you were worried beyond belief, wondering why I was going at all. I remember you telling me to be guarded and alert, to not roam around alone and to study and finish masters sincerely.
I should have seen this coming, and I think at some level I did too, when I got the news of you being admitted in hospital some weeks back. And I kept praying to God to end your pain, and I kept feeling guilty for it. Now that you are gone, I see my prayers were answered. But I don't feel guilty anymore, now that I know your pain is over finally. And don't you worry Aaji, I will be fine. I will always remember you. I will always look at your struggle in life, when I am struggling. I will always remember your patience and giving nature when I am short of them. I will survive, cos I am your granddaughter and you were a survivor.
When I heard of your departure, I cried bitterly. I regretted not having been in India. For the first time I felt more lonely than ever. And I wanted to hide my face in Aai's lap and bawl. Instead, I cried in my pillow, till I fell asleep. When I called the next day, your body had departed too, with all the rituals complete. I felt some peace to know that. And I felt immense pride when Aai told me that you donated your eyes. Looking at you it's hard to believe someone can be that giving. I never told you this - but I am proud to have had you as my grandma. I say "have had" cos I don't want to stop you from the next journey that you have now undertaken(like Baba says), or want you to hesitate. Don't worry about me, I will be fine. I am sad that you are now gone, but I am happy that you did not suffer much. I will miss you. Always. And I wish I could be more like you - patient, giving and a fighter to the end.
Love,
Me
P.S.: I will always miss the lonacha that you helped Aai prepare every summer, and which never tastes the same if you are not a part of it.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
I tagged myself!
Since nobody was tagging me...like ever(!!) I decided to take initiative and do it myself. I found this here.
1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
"Hope my sun allergy does not increase.."
2. How much cash do you have in your wallet right now?
5$
3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
Soar
4. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
My roommate - J...and I had not even seen it till now...thanks to this I just saw it :P
5. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
I haven't used ring tones since like forever now...but I used to love - "Saathiya" :)
6. What are you wearing right now?
Floral purple and orange chiffon sleeveless top and black trousers, with black thin sweater and black ballerina shoes.
7. Do you label yourself?
Yes. Many times. With many labels.
8. Name the brand of the shoes you currently own?
I own many(shoes, that is). Some are not branded, some are brands I don't recall(but bought them from DSW), and sports shoes are Reebok, bought them 2 years back.
9.Bright or Dark Room?
Bright. Always. Can't stand darkness. I sometimes like switching the lights on even in a car while traveling at night.
10. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
Found this randomly....while stumbling from blog to blog...but his posts are nice, and I am sure so is he :)
11. What does your watch look like?
A Guess Silver watch with black dial, M gifted me this on my Birthday.
12. What were you doing at midnight last night?
I am pretty sure dreaming things, which I can't remember now! :P
13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
A msg from M intimating that he loves me...and asking me why I am so amazing :P
14. What’s a word that you say a lot?
"F**k"
15. Who told you he/she loved you last?(please exclude spouse , family, children)
M (if boyfriends are not excluded) :)
16. Last furry thing you touched?
My piglet soft toy.
17. Favorite age you have been so far?
There have been many - but I think 17-18, when I was in junior college, without liabilities, worries and having a ball with friends every frigging day!!
18. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"Sure." (to a colleague)
19.The last song you listened to?
Right Round - Flo Rida
20. Where did you live in 1987?
Rajgarh (M.P.) [I think..]
21. Are you jealous of anyone?
Umm....not really..... :)
22. Is anyone jealous of you?
Maybe...I really don't know...
23. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
Mobile phone, Wallet/cards, my forgetful self :P
24. What’s your favorite town/city?
Bangalore, New York City, Boston. In that order.
25. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
I think my friend "Shruti"(yea thats her name too) in engineering.
26. Can you change the oil in a car?
Hell. No.
27. Your first love/big crush: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
First big crush as in school. Last I heard from him, we were chatting non-sense shit online, and he was working in some company in Bombay.
28. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My lower back, cos of Spondylolisthesis :(
29.What is your current desktop picture?
Office PC - Blue color.
Personal Laptop - Beautiful black wallpaper with funky art image and music written on it.
30. Have you been burnt by love?
Yep. With my ex. I've never told this to anyone but I used to cry for no reason at all, and be depressed most of the time, when I was with him.
Its the worst. Hope I never be there again. Hope nobody is.
And I tag -
M, Saurabh, Mansi, Guy Next Door, Sai and Pari.
Edited to add: Tagging Chintan & Shamika too. Hopefully this will make them blog! :P
1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
"Hope my sun allergy does not increase.."
2. How much cash do you have in your wallet right now?
5$
3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
Soar
4. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
My roommate - J...and I had not even seen it till now...thanks to this I just saw it :P
5. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
I haven't used ring tones since like forever now...but I used to love - "Saathiya" :)
6. What are you wearing right now?
Floral purple and orange chiffon sleeveless top and black trousers, with black thin sweater and black ballerina shoes.
7. Do you label yourself?
Yes. Many times. With many labels.
8. Name the brand of the shoes you currently own?
I own many(shoes, that is). Some are not branded, some are brands I don't recall(but bought them from DSW), and sports shoes are Reebok, bought them 2 years back.
9.Bright or Dark Room?
Bright. Always. Can't stand darkness. I sometimes like switching the lights on even in a car while traveling at night.
10. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
Found this randomly....while stumbling from blog to blog...but his posts are nice, and I am sure so is he :)
11. What does your watch look like?
A Guess Silver watch with black dial, M gifted me this on my Birthday.
12. What were you doing at midnight last night?
I am pretty sure dreaming things, which I can't remember now! :P
13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
A msg from M intimating that he loves me...and asking me why I am so amazing :P
14. What’s a word that you say a lot?
"F**k"
15. Who told you he/she loved you last?(please exclude spouse , family, children)
M (if boyfriends are not excluded) :)
16. Last furry thing you touched?
My piglet soft toy.
17. Favorite age you have been so far?
There have been many - but I think 17-18, when I was in junior college, without liabilities, worries and having a ball with friends every frigging day!!
18. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"Sure." (to a colleague)
19.The last song you listened to?
Right Round - Flo Rida
20. Where did you live in 1987?
Rajgarh (M.P.) [I think..]
21. Are you jealous of anyone?
Umm....not really..... :)
22. Is anyone jealous of you?
Maybe...I really don't know...
23. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
Mobile phone, Wallet/cards, my forgetful self :P
24. What’s your favorite town/city?
Bangalore, New York City, Boston. In that order.
25. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
I think my friend "Shruti"(yea thats her name too) in engineering.
26. Can you change the oil in a car?
Hell. No.
27. Your first love/big crush: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
First big crush as in school. Last I heard from him, we were chatting non-sense shit online, and he was working in some company in Bombay.
28. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My lower back, cos of Spondylolisthesis :(
29.What is your current desktop picture?
Office PC - Blue color.
Personal Laptop - Beautiful black wallpaper with funky art image and music written on it.
30. Have you been burnt by love?
Yep. With my ex. I've never told this to anyone but I used to cry for no reason at all, and be depressed most of the time, when I was with him.
Its the worst. Hope I never be there again. Hope nobody is.
And I tag -
M, Saurabh, Mansi, Guy Next Door, Sai and Pari.
Edited to add: Tagging Chintan & Shamika too. Hopefully this will make them blog! :P
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