Where did she go?

Where did she go? The innocent, cheerful girl, who started this blog seven years ago. Who thought that nothing was impossible in this world. Who was too romantic to believe in practicality. Who wanted to travel the world, travel to a new country and make a mark there. Who was little enough to not really understand what responsibility means but old enough to think she was responsible. Who was truly happy, without thinking too much about what happiness really means, where it really stems from. Whose world was wrapped up in her friends.

Where did she go?

I wish she had stayed. I wish she had never left. But no matter how deep I search within myself, I cannot find her. Worse, I can't even find a way to bring her back. Everyone says, life keeps moving forward. I'm not sure if that's necessarily a good thing. I want my life to move backwards, to a simpler time, a simpler life.

4 weeks ago, on a Sunday my mom told me, she had been seeing my father's heart doctor and is going to have to have a heart procedure urgently. That Thursday, when she told me it was scheduled for Saturday, I was sitting on the plane that afternoon, on my way. I have never felt so scared, so lonely in my life. The roles reversed. Suddenly, I had to grow up and be what my mom is always to me. A rock, a support, the grown up. The girl, seven years ago would have spilled out all her fears and the thoughts that went through her mind here. Me, I am too scared to even think them again.

Ever since I came back to the US, I have been waiting to feel normal again. Even though things went fine, and my mother is better now, I can't seem to get back on track. Nothing helps. I feel disinterested in any and everything. Mostly, I feel angry. If I am not angry, I feel depressed. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't even know why. I guess I do know why. Such vulnerability in life has left me shaken, and I can't seem to get out of it.

Please bear with me, as I try to steer my life, my mind and my heart to a regular rhythm. Please keep my mom in your thoughts and prayers.

"Thanksgiving, after all, is a word of action"

Said W.J. Cameron.

So here I go.

I am thankful for M for bringing joy in my life. I am thankful for M's wonderful parents who also support and encourage me in everything. And I am thankful for all the opportunities I have got and for getting what I did. I am thankful for my wonderful family and friends.

And lastly, but most most most importantly I am thankful for my parents who always have and continue to support me through all the decisions in my life, who have sacrificed so many things and continue to do so, so that I could be where I want and who have always stood by me and continue to do so as I face tough times.

I don't know how they do it, but they are my strength. They give me courage and always always are ready to support me through anything! I feel lucky!Thanks Aai Baba. Love you guys.

Is this for real?

That's what I thought in my head when I saw a friend request on orkut from my mom. Yea that's right - my mom. I almost fell off my chair when I saw the request. I called her up to confirm if it was really her or someone playing a prank on me. Turns out it was her. She was all chill about it, like yea I joined orkut, now I can keep a watch on you even there, watcha gonna do, types. Actually no, all these were my thoughts. She actually was all cool about it in a way like yea, I've been surfing the net for some years now, writing mails, booking movie, train, flight tickets, googling for things, didn't you see this coming? And she's right. I should have.

So what did I do after confirming it was her who sent the request. I scanned my profile, pics everything to see if there's anything that might offend her. Yea I know, she's all modern in a way to book movie tickets online, google "remedy of insomnia", sms her friends on friendship day and join orkut, but she still freaked out after watching Love Aaj Kal, and was questioning me if it was true that couples today really do all the "stuff" shown in the movie. Trust me I had a hard time trying to change the topic!Damn you Imtiaz Ali. It's weird with moms. One moment they are all modernized what with - "you should wear what you want", "it's okay that you left your previous boyfriend and now have a new one" and "oh I am okay with it.. live with boys if you have to", and the next one they are all "I am very shocked at what they showed in Love Aaj Kal, it's abominable and shameful, I hope you know what I am saying". Phew.

But they are adorable. Just so cute. And lately I am realizing so human:)
In fact if I was being interviewed by CNN and asked to name one human being I am most proud of? It would be this one. My mom. And she does not earn it just by being my mom. No sir. She earns it for being the extra-ordinary woman that she is. I haven't met anybody else who learnt and mastered swimming at the age of 50. Or who learnt to sms or surf the net all on her own(I did not teach her one thing about it). Or who is and always has been the sole point of contact between the rest of the members of family. A great manager-material wasted I would say.

It's not mother's day. Neither is it her birthday. It's just the day I am again reminded of how blessed I am to have her as my mother. And also the day when my mom joins orkut. I think I am going to scan my Facebook profile just in case she catches up with me there too. And thank god I am not on twitter yet!

Later.

For my mom...

This is something that I am posting on an impulse....
And this I think represents only a very very very small fraction of what my mom is to me and how much I love her!

Warning: Comment anything even remotely funny/teasing for this post and you will face some serious hazard to your life!