Dear Aaji,
When Aai told me on Thursday night, that you had passed away, I could not digest it. I knew it was coming, and yet it was hard to believe at first. But it sunk in, and I found myself short of breath. I did not know whether I was going to cry. But I did. As much as I had prayed for your suffering to end, despite feeling guilty for it, for so long, I was grieving for a void, that now nobody can ever fill. I was bitter for the fact that, I am now, officially without grandparents. And I was distressed that it has been more than a year since I saw you or spoke to you. The last time when I saw you, you were already losing your memory day by day. You had asked me again and again, about my life in US, how I live here, and I had repeated everything to you again and again. You were weaker and older than any other time that I remembered, and I was filled with sadness, to see you like that. I regretted then bringing you one gift from US, that you could no longer use - a book. You used to love reading, not just Hindi and Marathi, but also, English. I was awed by this, since even Aai declines to read English books if she can help it. But then, you could no longer retain information in your mind for more than a few minutes, to read an entire book. But you appreciated it just the same, looking at me lovingly. My heart breaks to think that I will never ever be bestowed with a love, that only grandparents are capable of, that I will never see you looking at me lovingly and with pride, asking me about my life, my studies.
I remember, Aai complaining proudly, that I am your favorite grandchild and hence she cannot scold me in front of you without making you angry as well. I took advantage of it so many times, getting away with things, that nobody else did. I remember when I was leaving for US, you instructed me to not marry an American. I could see you were worried beyond belief, wondering why I was going at all. I remember you telling me to be guarded and alert, to not roam around alone and to study and finish masters sincerely.
I should have seen this coming, and I think at some level I did too, when I got the news of you being admitted in hospital some weeks back. And I kept praying to God to end your pain, and I kept feeling guilty for it. Now that you are gone, I see my prayers were answered. But I don't feel guilty anymore, now that I know your pain is over finally. And don't you worry Aaji, I will be fine. I will always remember you. I will always look at your struggle in life, when I am struggling. I will always remember your patience and giving nature when I am short of them. I will survive, cos I am your granddaughter and you were a survivor.
When I heard of your departure, I cried bitterly. I regretted not having been in India. For the first time I felt more lonely than ever. And I wanted to hide my face in Aai's lap and bawl. Instead, I cried in my pillow, till I fell asleep. When I called the next day, your body had departed too, with all the rituals complete. I felt some peace to know that. And I felt immense pride when Aai told me that you donated your eyes. Looking at you it's hard to believe someone can be that giving. I never told you this - but I am proud to have had you as my grandma. I say "have had" cos I don't want to stop you from the next journey that you have now undertaken(like Baba says), or want you to hesitate. Don't worry about me, I will be fine. I am sad that you are now gone, but I am happy that you did not suffer much. I will miss you. Always. And I wish I could be more like you - patient, giving and a fighter to the end.
Love,
Me
P.S.: I will always miss the
lonacha that you helped Aai prepare every summer, and which never tastes the same if you are not a part of it.
