It's official

All the time that you & I have known each other - if there is one thing that you should know about me by now, it's this - I am a bundle of controversial joys (to put it nicely). Like how I hate fuss and creating scene, but myself am a drama queen? So when you read the previous post - yes you thought right. It was about M and me. It was about us fighting. (Gasp! How can she admit it so openly?!) (And it was also a little about drama).

Tangent - I am trying to let my other voice speak too. See I have these two voices in my head like everyone. (If I'm wrong about this don't bother to tell me otherwise). One is the serious me who takes everything that life throws at me in its appropriate seriousness and deals with it like normal people. The other voice though is a little whimsical. It laughs at everything that is serious. And deals with everything else that is normal with sarcasm or something like that. The brackets are this voice.

Anyhoo. (You can ignore me all you want, but I'm not going anywhere). Yes we got into fights. Plural. Ugly ones. Fights that lasted days and nights. Like war. But unlike any other war story this has a happy ending. Somewhat. We both decided not to fight. (Yeah, that worked! Sure!)

Reason. Motive. Why? (Wait for it.........) We are getting married! (Pin-drop silence followed by laughter?) And since I have to be stubborn and difficult every time something changes, I sure as hell did not leave out this opportunity. And you know how I tell you all the stories of how understanding and how co-operative M is? Well he chose this opportunity to be not so. So basically it took long days and nights of discussion, fighting, yelling, to reach a common focus about the wedding. Yes, the reason for the fight was difference of opinion, prejudices and lack of common vision. About the WEDDING! (How much more lame can this get. A wedding? People have bigger problems. Grow up.) And then I remembered what Saif Ali Khan seems to be saying in all the movies that he does - We were perfectly happy till we decided to get married. Makes you think. Made me think for sure.

So why? Why do people get married? I obviously did not want to get married before knowing why I am getting into it. So I thought - why not? I obviously love him enough to want to be around him. I know I enjoy his company. And obviously it gets a little lonely after a while, so why not have someone who is obligated to accompany you! (Ha! You are so evil!). And so kind ladies and gentlemen, we decided to plunge into it with all we have! I will be obviously including you in stories of what happens after. Till then stories about how I am trying to enjoy the fuss that weddings are and how all the fuss is.Driving. Me. Crazy. (Did I tell you I HATE wedding fuss, but that story some other time since we ARE talking about peaceful beginnings called marriages! Ha!).

We are now accepting your best wishes (in CASH ONLY). I will come back with a concrete plan of wedding as soon as it's good enough to be dissected by public eye.

Over and out. (Later b*****s!)

Typical day...

...these days is very much like those forwards that all of us have read -

1. Wake up, check mail.
2. Brush teeth, if time permits get coffee/cereal, check mail.
3. Study, apply, read, check mail.
4. Rush to take a bath, get ready, check mail, run out of the house (remember to take a jacket, Fall is here; but forget to have lunch)
5. Come back home, starving, check mail, stuff myself with some junk
6. Check mail
7. Check mail
8. Sleepy, try not to fall asleep(actually rarely am I trying, I am almost always sprawled on the bed even before feeling sleepy), check mail.
9. No mail :(
10. But still, the eternal hope does not die, so check mail & go to sleep
11. Wake up, check mail..
12. You get the picture!

Sayonara

Many people die at twenty FIVE and aren't buried until they are seventy FIVE - Benjamin Franklin

Okay that is not at all related to what the post is about except in a very subtle way. Rani tagged me for - "FIVE lesser known facts about me" (I assumed, by me she meant me and not her!) Okay okay..I'll cut the crap and state them now....

Hold your breath. Okay don't. I will. Here goes.

1. At one point in my life people thought I was a lesbian.
So why? Well cos -
- I was in an all girls college & all girls hostel.
- I was and still am a very shows-my-affection-openly sorta person - so hugs and kisses even to girls are normal.
- I was in all girls college, so people did not have enough gossip floating around.
And the strangest thing of all is - everybody knew I had a boyfriend, and still they thought this. I think since then I have changed to this neurotic person with a complex of people. That's right. I was very outgoing and friendly before (my parents still think I am), but now I am just plain scared to interact with people, not knowing what they think of me. Yes, it may seem funny now, but it was pretty traumatic - all the negative publicity and dirty "details" that my friends told me people are telling each other. It was ugly. I was too innocent to imagine people could think like that.

And here's my disclaimer - I am not saying being gay is wrong/bad/abnormal. To each his/her own. You are the way you are, and good to be what you are.

My only point is - Negative rumors and hearing horrific details about one's 'lesbian' acts are not a nice supplement for your teenage. Even though you know you are not wrong, you feel ashamed, scared and guilty. I still feel horrible thinking about it, and have told this to very few people in my life(despite half my hostel knowing). I have never written about it, and I don't know if I ever will. But this incident took a hard blow at my self-confidence. I laugh at it now, but it was anything but pretty then.

2. I am terrified of turning 25.
I never planned this but I had assumed turning 25 would bring wisdom and maturity along with more successful life. I don't expect they will be arriving in a month if they haven't till now.

3. I freak out about how my life will change after marriage and kids.
I don't want those changes.

4. I love Bombay.
I have spent the best years of my life there. I am just not sure if I can take it for a lifetime.

5. I want to get into full time social service some time in my life.
And sooner rather than later.

Phew. That was tough.
So now who should I tag for this....hmmm?
I tag M, Rajita, Rambler.

Have fun guys! :)

Diet, Distraction & Distance

On my mind, but not in that order.
So, yea I know all of you are going to say, I don't need a diet. And well, yea looking at me I probably don't. But I really really need to lose some lbs, for my health, as PCOD and Spondylolisthesis become worse if I am even a little overweight, which they now have. Also, a friend was doing this, so I just decided to do it with her, so that I have someone to crib to(apart from M, someone who gets it) while I am at it. Now you ask me, why not some exercise instead, and I would say yes I want to do that too, just that I don't get around to doing it everyday, and this is getting kinda urgent!And so, the mighty have fallen to desperate measures of eating only fruits and vegetables and soups for a week!

Over the weekend, S moved to another city to look for jobs. God alone knows how I am going to manage without her. She defines whatever I know of this city man. We discovered and delighted in its wonders together. She helped me become the person that I am today, that I love to be(though she won't agree!). Together we laughed at the nothing and yet the something in all the nothingness. Actually, I don't have words to describe this loss. After I came back from dropping her, and after she had reached, it hit me while sleeping, I can never just meet her in the middle of the night again. Not that I have ever done that, but it was always comforting to know, I could. I had decided to write so much down...but now I cant bring myself to...I think it's too private, so much that even she does not know about all these thoughts...nobody does.

I also believe, that this diet is giving me an aim, something to focus on so that I don't think so much. Cos, there's nothing much I can do. So these days it's all about finding distractions from things on my mind - missing my family, missing S, trying to come to terms with so many little changes that only I can see....!Changes that cannot be expressed in words...or maybe they can be..but not just yet.....

Later!

Block

I have nothing to write..I mean there are so many things I could write about, but I just can't. So I'll do what I have done so much during engineering viva's - pull out words out of my ass and talk, or in this case, write.

A couple of notable incidents happened last week. One being, ikea shopping and how!! We went there to shop for M as he's moved into his own room now. And we shopped our asses off!! I am big fan of ikea. It's a furniture & household stuff shop. You can just go there, and find every-frigging-thing, that you'll need in your house. The products may not be that sturdy, but they sure have a great display of it, which makes you want to buy them. No. Really. And considering how BIG it is, they manage it pretty well, save for some glitches here & there. I let M build his bachelor's room, with all black, blue stuff, and no colors. After all he did buy that bookcase to keep all my books! It was also the time, he drove a car in US for the first time. I have always seen couples(can't believe I just called us a "couple" indirectly tho it may be, I guess I am growing up, although it did panic me a little to do that!!) fight sitting in those two seats, the driver's & and the navigator's. And as M sucks at directions, I had a more than active role in giving directions :), we also tried. At least, I did by yelling & panicking & fretting more than once, but he only retaliated by singing more !! It was a fun date, and we survived a day of just each other. One down, some 20-odd-thousand more to go! :P

Another one, being (in case you've lost track there were two.... not one, but TWO notable incidents in my life last week, oh yea, I live on the edge, watcha gonna do???). So I was saying, the second incident being, a guy asked me out on the subway, on my way to work. So this is what happened - I got in the train & buried my face into the book, no not to sleep, to read, just like everyday. After some time I looked up and I see this white guy, dressed in an expensive looking suit, looking at me. I looked for a second or two then smiled at him politely thinking, he's never seen an Indian before (that's really really improbable, but I had not been awake for more than two hours, what do you expect!!), and again went back to my book. After some time I looked up again, to see him looking at me again, and smiling at me and waving a hi at me. (Oh yea I read like that, I read for some time & then take a break to think about what I just read, otherwise I get absorbed enough to miss my stop!). So now, this is not new, I have seen many people do that, friendly that they are, I did not think anything odd about it. I only got a little excited thinking he might be working in some fancy bank, and started picturing forwarding my resume to him some time in the future:P. He caught up with me on the next platform of my transfer-stop, and started talking to me. Considering what I had been picturing in my head, I too spoke with him very politely. We exchanged names, and that's it. We got into the next train & I went back to my book, only to be interrupted in two minutes by a hand placing a card in my book. He says to me, "here's a lil bookmark for your book". I go in my head, "lol!". And then he continues, "Would you like to go for dinner with me?". I sense that everybody in the compartment is watching us, but before I can stop myself, I blurt out a loud, "No!". Yea yea I know next time I'll be a little less cruel. He seems shocked, surprised as if he expected me to jump at the opportunity.(Men!). I tried to return his card to him, but he insisted asking me to think about it and call him. I was laughing right in his face, not knowing what to do! Thankfully my stop came & I got off the train, after saying bye to him! I checked the card, and it turns out he owns/works at "Sleepy's". LOL! So much for forwarding my resume! Though now I can think about getting some discount there at the price of looking pretty and going for dinner with him! :P

Awaiting me now, is a long week of putting together, all the stuff we bought from ikea. Its like building lego. Considering that's not one of M's skills, and I like everything my way, I'll be happily hammering & screwing & trying to fit things, while he (hopefully) cooks delish prawns for us :)

Later!

God save the Wall Street!!

“This disparate treatment, unappealing as it is, appears unavoidable,” Mr. Bernanke said(about pouring hundreds of billions of more taxpayer dollars into financial companies — especially when other industries were getting the cold shoulder.) “Our economic system is critically dependent on the free flow of credit.”

And still they send me atleast 2 mails of free credit cards, every month! What is with these guys?? Do they act dumb, or are they just plain that!

Gawd!

Any answers??

When I heard about the siege in Mumbai,it was mid-day in office and I was shocked but only a little, with the recent happenings, I thought this is another one of those, although distressed(I can't believe I am saying this) I was not, well, as shocked and devastated by it right away. But what followed has appalled me to the core, and more than that I am ashamed to admit that we as a country failed to deal with it as well as one would have expected. Especially being in a foreign country, where I meet people from all nationalities, and yet I have not discussed this with any of them, because I don't have any justification for how bad & irresponsible India looks on world map today!

Some of the things that more-than-bothered me were -

- If the gunmen can enter a hotel like Taj or Oberoi, from as simple a place as a back door, in what capacity do these places call themselves five stars or whatever when people carrying guns and ammunitions can just walk inside?

- Why is the police(which is the primary and major security force of a country) still carrying those ancient weapons which are now only suitable to be placed in the museum?

- Why is the media of our country allowed to/showing live telecast of how the NSG is trying to attack the terrorists? Didn't it strike anybody that, if I sitting here in America can view it live, so can the people instructing those gunmen over the satellite phones, thus not only putting them a step ahead of us always, but also endangering the very lives of these forces? How difficult is it to be a responsible media in such times of crisis, or is having the highest TRPs the only thing people understand these days? Shouldn't this basic lesson of morality and common sense be taught to reporters & journalists that they may be here to enlighten general public, but they should not become an hindrance in security operations at the very least, and definitely not aid the terrorist through some foolish act such as this?

- Is resignation of a handful of ministers really going to solve anything? Is taking your son and a filmmaker to a site so grave has only a punishment of being made to resign almost at the end of your term?

- Why is the financial capital of our country even after being hit so many times, still not been provided with the kind of security services it should be?

- And now, when it is over, why do I have this sinking feeling in my heart that just like before this too shall be pursued for a month by the media and general public before being abandoned/forgotten/given up on, till something even worse strikes?

Even as I write this, I am tempted to end this post right here, at the questions and not go on to write the cliched - 'I still have hopes for a better tomorrow, cos from inside I feel utterly hopeless, maybe cos I am sitting so far away from my motherland, doing 'something' becomes even more difficult, although I cannot imagine, what is it that I could have done if I was there. But, still, my undying hope and faith in my country does not allow me such despairing thoughts, and so thus I reiterate what millions of bloggers have written across the web - There's still hope. We can make a difference. Let's show them their place. Lets do it. Lets strive for a more secure and beautiful future!

Amen!

Real Life or Fairy Tale?

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I was given a choice. A choice of living in the fairy tale or real life. I don’t remember what I chose. But when I woke up I was very confused. What would I choose? What would anyone choose? I discussed this with my friends. One of them agreed with me, that the real life is too real sometimes. Sometimes we need those fairy tale moments just to reinforce our beliefs. But given a choice would we choose to abandon the real world and go live in a fairy tale? A place where there are difficulties to overcome, battles to be fought, combination of good and bad people to deal with; just like our world. But there’s also an end to it all. There’s also the magic potion, the handsome prince charming, and the funny friend always standing by your side! And most importantly there is ALWAYS “a happily ever after”. And there I thought I had my answer. Obviously yes!

But somewhere inside, I was not satisfied. It’s the damned beliefs I tell ya! Even though here, it was the belief in my own world. Despite that I come to hate it so much sometimes, the fact that it was my own to hate, was not allowing me to let go of it so easily, even in my post, even fictionally! I wondered why it was so difficult to accept an easy choice? Because we are trained to distrust the easier options? Or was there some other catch? I kept thinking, not just for hours, but for a good couple of days (wow, I really must care after all, think of all the time I spent thinking for the world I don’t even like most of the times!!). And then like a brick it hit me right in the head! ‘Seeing stars in broad daylight’ excluded (Sorry to disappoint you all!). The catch is – A fairy tale is good for only one person, the main character! It’s nice and happy in the end only for the Snow Whites, the Cinderellas, and the Shreks. What if, you are one of the dwarfs, or the ugly sister, or god forbid the Donkey!! And that’s the best thing about real world. We may not have magic potions, but we do have support of our family and friends which gives more strength than any magic potion. We may still have to deal with good and bad people and have battles to fight, but we know it’s all manageable. And there is no single happy ending, but there are many happy pauses, which work just as well, sometimes even better! And most importantly, in real life, you are the main character, the hero, the star of your story! For better or for worse!

Sayonara!

The Break-up

Yesterday, I got to thinking about relationships, any kind of relationship, and how there's always a break-up involved. If not anything else, it’s the "till death do us part" and the death does do people apart, and hence my point - There is always a break-up involved.

It’s sad and difficult and mind-crunching and stomach-twisting. And more so, if the break-up is the kind which we generally take it to be. A "break-up" break-up is without a doubt the most difficult phase of the relationship. And yes, most definitely it is as much the part of the relationship as the “flirting”, “going-out” or “being-there” is. As long as there's an emotion connecting two people, I believe, there's still a relationship, a thin string attached. And break-up is the last, the longest and the most painful emotion that two people share. And probably that is why it is so long and painful, because it is the tribute to everything shared before, a silent and sad eulogy, because this is where you can remember everything except the reason why you broke up. And yet somewhere deep down you just know you have to keep going, because there's no turning back after this.

I heard somewhere that it takes half the time of the duration of the relationship, to completely get over it. I don't know if it’s true. But this, I know - It may be possible to get over a relationship but it is next to impossible to get over a person. How do you just forget the one person, who was so important once, that you gave him all the right and the power to hurt you and make you happy or sad by his mere words? You may take him out of your life, but you cannot take him out of your heart, your mind. There will be a place in your heart reserved only for him, forever. There will always be a part of your heart, a small corner, where his memories will be locked up. That place in your mind, where you can happily remember him, and someday accept him to be as a painful, yet an exquisitely beautiful past, something that you will cherish for the rest of your life, something that nobody can take away, not even his own self if at all your paths happen to cross again.

And all there is, is the hope to reach there someday, that place, that state of mind, where one can happily think of the past as something worthwhile, something that gave a chance to give as much as receive, something that will always be enlaced in heart's deepest corners as a delicate memory to be treasured till the end of the eternity.

A hope for the end that is not bitter. Anymore.

Yes, it does!

Yes....Trust DOES have an expiry date. Mine just came for the certain individual whom I had addressed a few posts back.
At this point I almost feel cynical, and determined not to trust again.....ever!
But that's not the point, I just wanted to answer the question I asked.

Later!

Sanity is a curse!

Dear Diary,

We had a party today. The three namesake houses that are considered as one. I always feel lonely at parties, uncomfortable in a group of people whom I don't know properly, to whom I can't say more than 3 sentences. Today I felt that exaggerated feeling of loneliness and emptiness inside me. With a room full of people, all drunk, all insane in their own world, swaying to music, dancing madly, and doing what their heart wanted. All I wanted to do was run, run away to my sane world, the world I know, the world of soberness. I don't drink. Not because I can't. Because I don't want to. Because I believe I am high enough on life. I don't think I need another stimulant.

It's strange how people behave when high. It's like you don't know them. And every person you catch saying - I'm not high, rest assured he's completely high. I feel scared of such people. More than scared, I feel awkward and unsure of how I should behave. And worried about some close ones.

It's weird. It's strange. It's almost alien. This feeling. I can't wait for my world to become sane again.

Ciao,
Shruti