Words are not enough

What do you say to someone you're close to when they are in so much pain, that you can practically feel it half-way across the world? No words can ever convey the way your heart wrenches, every time you think about them. All I have been doing is having conversations in my head so far, and even those don't go well. Even in my head, I am not able to express the grief I feel, or make them feel any better. All I can do to keep breathing, when I feel I will choke myself thinking why it has happened, is remember what my Mom told me - "We are too close to the picture to understand why anything happens. He knows what's best for us because only He can see the big picture."

Some one very close to me is going through a really tough time. It's extremely unfair and they don't deserve it, nobody does. Please keep them in your prayers and thoughts.

Many people die at twenty FIVE and aren't buried until they are seventy FIVE - Benjamin Franklin

Okay that is not at all related to what the post is about except in a very subtle way. Rani tagged me for - "FIVE lesser known facts about me" (I assumed, by me she meant me and not her!) Okay okay..I'll cut the crap and state them now....

Hold your breath. Okay don't. I will. Here goes.

1. At one point in my life people thought I was a lesbian.
So why? Well cos -
- I was in an all girls college & all girls hostel.
- I was and still am a very shows-my-affection-openly sorta person - so hugs and kisses even to girls are normal.
- I was in all girls college, so people did not have enough gossip floating around.
And the strangest thing of all is - everybody knew I had a boyfriend, and still they thought this. I think since then I have changed to this neurotic person with a complex of people. That's right. I was very outgoing and friendly before (my parents still think I am), but now I am just plain scared to interact with people, not knowing what they think of me. Yes, it may seem funny now, but it was pretty traumatic - all the negative publicity and dirty "details" that my friends told me people are telling each other. It was ugly. I was too innocent to imagine people could think like that.

And here's my disclaimer - I am not saying being gay is wrong/bad/abnormal. To each his/her own. You are the way you are, and good to be what you are.

My only point is - Negative rumors and hearing horrific details about one's 'lesbian' acts are not a nice supplement for your teenage. Even though you know you are not wrong, you feel ashamed, scared and guilty. I still feel horrible thinking about it, and have told this to very few people in my life(despite half my hostel knowing). I have never written about it, and I don't know if I ever will. But this incident took a hard blow at my self-confidence. I laugh at it now, but it was anything but pretty then.

2. I am terrified of turning 25.
I never planned this but I had assumed turning 25 would bring wisdom and maturity along with more successful life. I don't expect they will be arriving in a month if they haven't till now.

3. I freak out about how my life will change after marriage and kids.
I don't want those changes.

4. I love Bombay.
I have spent the best years of my life there. I am just not sure if I can take it for a lifetime.

5. I want to get into full time social service some time in my life.
And sooner rather than later.

Phew. That was tough.
So now who should I tag for this....hmmm?
I tag M, Rajita, Rambler.

Have fun guys! :)

I am just so mad!

That I am not even feeling guilty about sitting in front of someone,wishing bad things for them while they were speaking to me!!

I know. It's not right. I am a bad person. Okay, I'll take back whatever I wished, but if you were in my place you would do the same. People can be so f**king unreasonable and unfair, that you can't believe they are human and not just some animal. Frigging B*****d!!!!

On a much much different and happier note Avanti has tagged me for two tags :)
I will do them as soon as I get some time, which I am really falling short of right now thanks to certain f**king someone!!

Later!

It's incredible...

...How sometimes we ourselves can't take the same kind of treatment we give others...!

Judgments...

...have been made on me, by people who barely know me, and they have not hesitated to point them out openly. And obviously, they were not pleasant. As much as I try, I can't shrug it off. I am feeling bad. Maybe the reason is that, I never show my judgments to anybody. And I let people walk over me a little. Will try and stop doing that. Just for the record, to all those who judged me w/o knowing me, or without thinking how I would feel, f**k you, and may you rot in hell!!
I feel a lil better already...phew :)

"Hello Ditcher!"

Said my friend on the phone, when I called to ask her when we all roomies were going for dinner? Agreed I was late. I had a date with "someone", and I had told them I'll join them after I meet him. And in all fairness to everybody(and mostly to me ;)) I did plan the date thing way before this dinner plan came up. And I tried to make it there too. And I did, although a half hour late than the suggested time of turning up!

All I'm asking is, why am I the ditcher?? If I said no to my plan with him, I would be as much of ditcher there as I was being called here. Then, why? Why is it that a girl has to choose and be a ditcher at some place. Why can't she rely on both parties to understand and co-operate since obviously they are both important to her, and she tries her best to be with both. Just that, there are some things like existential crisis, when it comes to existing in two places at the same time, which is not really covered under the wide arena of capabilities that humans possess. Why is it even an "issue" I don't understand. And in all fairness (to me) I will do as I wish, and I shouldn't have to answer anybody. Because I have learned it the hard way, doing what you don't want to do, never makes you even one bit happy.

So to all girlfriends out there, in both senses of being one to a guy and being one to girls(and I don't mean this in a lesbian sort of way, for all you perv-minded) - please do as you please, cos when it comes to being happy, nothing else can make you as happy, and please cut your friends some slack, its hard enough trying to balance a life with boyfriend and friends, but don't make her choose between the two. Don't put her through it. Remember it could be you too!

Peace!

Realising once again...

....how mean people are.....and more so when in a position of power or have an upper hand! And once again depressed, how hopeless the world seems.....You know when it feels like you can't take it anymore...Just can't put up with it....And wondering, if this will ever end?

Will you be free for dinner tonight?

The SMS said. From him. I waited 6 years for it before I stopped waiting. Another 3 have passed since then. I moved on. Long back. Don't believe me? Well you have no choice..do you? Anyway...we are friends. Always have been. Except for that brief period that I thought we were something more than friends. And upon asking I was bluntly told it wasn't so. "I never thought that way about you." Okay. Fair enough. Then why the fuck were we acting/talking/behaving the way two people do only when they fancy each other? For more than a month? Talking everyday and every night till very late. Till I tried to confirm things were what I thought they were. Or god knows how long that might have gone on. I don't feel anything for him. But I still feel very much cheated. Even today. Still feel angry at myself and him. As angry as I felt then. As humiliated. Even after these many years. But I still am going to take up this invitation. The hurt & innocent teenager inside me is very much tempted to stand him up. Make him feel at least fraction of the pain that I felt. But I know I couldn't do this to him or to anybody for that matter.

So. I'm going to say yes to an invitation I longed to receive years ago and which now, doesn't have any more effect on me than watching an ant crawl. And try to purge my heart of the anger, not cos I forgive him but only cos any of my emotions are not worth that ass of a guy whom I still consider a friend.

PS: I still think of him as a friend. Just wanted to get this off my chest. I didn't think it would come out so strongly when I started writing. Thought I was just documenting the odd ironies of life. Oh well! :)

Any answers??

When I heard about the siege in Mumbai,it was mid-day in office and I was shocked but only a little, with the recent happenings, I thought this is another one of those, although distressed(I can't believe I am saying this) I was not, well, as shocked and devastated by it right away. But what followed has appalled me to the core, and more than that I am ashamed to admit that we as a country failed to deal with it as well as one would have expected. Especially being in a foreign country, where I meet people from all nationalities, and yet I have not discussed this with any of them, because I don't have any justification for how bad & irresponsible India looks on world map today!

Some of the things that more-than-bothered me were -

- If the gunmen can enter a hotel like Taj or Oberoi, from as simple a place as a back door, in what capacity do these places call themselves five stars or whatever when people carrying guns and ammunitions can just walk inside?

- Why is the police(which is the primary and major security force of a country) still carrying those ancient weapons which are now only suitable to be placed in the museum?

- Why is the media of our country allowed to/showing live telecast of how the NSG is trying to attack the terrorists? Didn't it strike anybody that, if I sitting here in America can view it live, so can the people instructing those gunmen over the satellite phones, thus not only putting them a step ahead of us always, but also endangering the very lives of these forces? How difficult is it to be a responsible media in such times of crisis, or is having the highest TRPs the only thing people understand these days? Shouldn't this basic lesson of morality and common sense be taught to reporters & journalists that they may be here to enlighten general public, but they should not become an hindrance in security operations at the very least, and definitely not aid the terrorist through some foolish act such as this?

- Is resignation of a handful of ministers really going to solve anything? Is taking your son and a filmmaker to a site so grave has only a punishment of being made to resign almost at the end of your term?

- Why is the financial capital of our country even after being hit so many times, still not been provided with the kind of security services it should be?

- And now, when it is over, why do I have this sinking feeling in my heart that just like before this too shall be pursued for a month by the media and general public before being abandoned/forgotten/given up on, till something even worse strikes?

Even as I write this, I am tempted to end this post right here, at the questions and not go on to write the cliched - 'I still have hopes for a better tomorrow, cos from inside I feel utterly hopeless, maybe cos I am sitting so far away from my motherland, doing 'something' becomes even more difficult, although I cannot imagine, what is it that I could have done if I was there. But, still, my undying hope and faith in my country does not allow me such despairing thoughts, and so thus I reiterate what millions of bloggers have written across the web - There's still hope. We can make a difference. Let's show them their place. Lets do it. Lets strive for a more secure and beautiful future!

Amen!

The sad saga of the phone(s)!

To be really honest, this post is an outcome of my irritation, frustration, aggravation, vexation and some more 'tions', which were caused by mishaps surrounding the said phone, which incidentally and not surprisingly, was mine!!

So, it all started with, me deciding to take my phone with me while I was jogging(ahem!). And me deciding to wear tracks which didn't have pockets(what the f*** was I thinking!?). And then me deciding my hair was not tied quite right and was an obstruction while running(Well, I was running on a track lined with cute guys!!!). Since this task requires both my hands, I decided the best bet would be hold my phone in my mouth(!!!!!!). And then the Lord above decided, that's it sweetheart, you don't get to decide anymore. And He decided, to drop my phone in to the frigging river by the side of which this track is!!!! Which resulted into me going without a phone for a week...the first time.
Yes it happened again. And again.

The next time I had to go without a phone for a week was when I forgot my charger in another city, assuming my second charger from the visarjanofied phone is still at home, only coming home to discover that I cannot discover it!!! It has disappeared from the face of earth, and the police is still looking for it!

And then now, again I am abandoned by my phone, which, one fine evening decided to just power off and die. Forever. And then AT&T decided they couldn't decide whether I did fall into the 30-day bracket for phone replacement or not, resulting in me visiting them multiple times with no phone.

Why? Why me???

Yes, it does!

Yes....Trust DOES have an expiry date. Mine just came for the certain individual whom I had addressed a few posts back.
At this point I almost feel cynical, and determined not to trust again.....ever!
But that's not the point, I just wanted to answer the question I asked.

Later!