It's incredible...

...How sometimes we ourselves can't take the same kind of treatment we give others...!

Fighting with yourself...

Isn't that something, that all of us do, or are made to do, at one point or another. I have seen it closely, a little too closely. Day in and day out, living with yourself, and hating yourself. It's not nice. So many people, so many relationships, so many conflicts and so many milestones. Some good. Some bad. Some trivial. Some crucial. Some not given so much as a thought even. And some, pondered, wondered, churned over till your insides felt they would bleed. So many thoughts, so many doubts. So many opinions, and so many judgments to face. In the end, all you can do is buckle up good, believe in yourself, and love yourself, just like you loved that beautiful pair of shoes, which gives you the worst of sores but the best of compliments? After all, who knows whether what happened was good or bad? After all, isn't all we do, is only obey a command from up, up above? Then why hate yourself. Then why fight yourself. And why believe what people think of you? Why not believe what you want to, and move on to new horizons? Why not make new memories and erase the bad ones? Why not just stop fighting with fate, life and most importantly yourself? Why not just enjoy the here and now? Why not?

Is it?

She should have seen it coming. It was building up like a climax scene in a play. There were his friends. And there was lamb curry, his favorite. And there was this entire two whole days of missing him and trying not to. And there was this entire movie having been watched that afternoon, where every scene, all she could think of was - "what would he say in this scene, how would he mock aamir khan here" and then smile secretly imagining how funny it would have been. Having spent the entire movie wincing at the gory shots, wishing he was there to put his arm around her, so that she could bury her head in his shoulders and didn't have to watch them. So is it really weird that after such a day she started crying the moment she heard his voice, miles away from India calling only to tell her that he loves her and misses her a lot??!!
Is it??

Will you be free for dinner tonight?

The SMS said. From him. I waited 6 years for it before I stopped waiting. Another 3 have passed since then. I moved on. Long back. Don't believe me? Well you have no choice..do you? Anyway...we are friends. Always have been. Except for that brief period that I thought we were something more than friends. And upon asking I was bluntly told it wasn't so. "I never thought that way about you." Okay. Fair enough. Then why the fuck were we acting/talking/behaving the way two people do only when they fancy each other? For more than a month? Talking everyday and every night till very late. Till I tried to confirm things were what I thought they were. Or god knows how long that might have gone on. I don't feel anything for him. But I still feel very much cheated. Even today. Still feel angry at myself and him. As angry as I felt then. As humiliated. Even after these many years. But I still am going to take up this invitation. The hurt & innocent teenager inside me is very much tempted to stand him up. Make him feel at least fraction of the pain that I felt. But I know I couldn't do this to him or to anybody for that matter.

So. I'm going to say yes to an invitation I longed to receive years ago and which now, doesn't have any more effect on me than watching an ant crawl. And try to purge my heart of the anger, not cos I forgive him but only cos any of my emotions are not worth that ass of a guy whom I still consider a friend.

PS: I still think of him as a friend. Just wanted to get this off my chest. I didn't think it would come out so strongly when I started writing. Thought I was just documenting the odd ironies of life. Oh well! :)

The Break-up

Yesterday, I got to thinking about relationships, any kind of relationship, and how there's always a break-up involved. If not anything else, it’s the "till death do us part" and the death does do people apart, and hence my point - There is always a break-up involved.

It’s sad and difficult and mind-crunching and stomach-twisting. And more so, if the break-up is the kind which we generally take it to be. A "break-up" break-up is without a doubt the most difficult phase of the relationship. And yes, most definitely it is as much the part of the relationship as the “flirting”, “going-out” or “being-there” is. As long as there's an emotion connecting two people, I believe, there's still a relationship, a thin string attached. And break-up is the last, the longest and the most painful emotion that two people share. And probably that is why it is so long and painful, because it is the tribute to everything shared before, a silent and sad eulogy, because this is where you can remember everything except the reason why you broke up. And yet somewhere deep down you just know you have to keep going, because there's no turning back after this.

I heard somewhere that it takes half the time of the duration of the relationship, to completely get over it. I don't know if it’s true. But this, I know - It may be possible to get over a relationship but it is next to impossible to get over a person. How do you just forget the one person, who was so important once, that you gave him all the right and the power to hurt you and make you happy or sad by his mere words? You may take him out of your life, but you cannot take him out of your heart, your mind. There will be a place in your heart reserved only for him, forever. There will always be a part of your heart, a small corner, where his memories will be locked up. That place in your mind, where you can happily remember him, and someday accept him to be as a painful, yet an exquisitely beautiful past, something that you will cherish for the rest of your life, something that nobody can take away, not even his own self if at all your paths happen to cross again.

And all there is, is the hope to reach there someday, that place, that state of mind, where one can happily think of the past as something worthwhile, something that gave a chance to give as much as receive, something that will always be enlaced in heart's deepest corners as a delicate memory to be treasured till the end of the eternity.

A hope for the end that is not bitter. Anymore.

Trust me!

In the recent turn of events in my life, I started trusting somebody, only after knowing them a couple of weeks. And then I came to my senses with a jerk.

And yet again, started asking questions -
How long before you start trusting someone? Should there be a time period defined, like they do while hiring, a 6 month probation period before full-time trust? Should you trust your gut-feeling, or should you listen to your brain?

I think sometimes, you just trust someone because at that moment you just want to trust that person, for this need to trust someone, because you are feeling so vulnerable. I got to discussing this with my friend, and she thought that sometimes strangers can be better listeners and maybe its for the best that you trust someone at that moment.

My dear not-a-stranger-anymore,
If you ever read this and understand that it is for you, I trusted you because I believed there was chemistry between us, there was a spark, and thankfully you have done nothing to break my trust yet.
But its best for me to break away from the shackles of vulnerability, where I give you the power to hurt me.
I think it will take a while before I am okay with giving you that power.
-Me

Later!

Fish and visitors smell in three days. ~Benjamin Franklin

How true!

Recently, I had some guests come over a my place. Now, I'm not a bad person; I am just not that comfortable when there are guests in my house. I don't mind some close relatives, cos them I'm quite comfortable with, but when it comes to distant relatives, I can at the most survive for 3 days. And thats how long they had come for.

Now, I know that in India, guests are like God. But it gets really irritating if even they start behaving as if they are doing us a favor by just being there. I saw for 3 days, my mom, bhabhi & sometimes me, slog all the time for them. And all the guests kept warming our chairs/sofas/beds, never once offering to help even a little!! Whenever my family has gone as guests to anybody's place, I always remember my mom never lets me sit if the host is working, she and me always help. And its fair too. A person is doing a favor to you, when he lets you invade his privacy, his routine. The least that you can do is behave human. I wondered later on when my mom & bhabhi went down with viral, was the fatigue of last 2-3 days partly responsible for taking them down. I'm not writing this for fun, I felt deeply about this. I wouldn't want anybody to slog for me so much let alone fall sick cos of me. Thats why I came up with this -

Some guidelines that should be followed when you go as a guest to somebody who is not that close to you -

1. Do NOT live as if it's your own house.

2. Do NOT treat their living room as a place for you to roam around only in a short bermuda after bath, even though you might be doin this at your place.

3. Do NOT treat their TV as your own, respect their choices/preferences.

4. Do offer to help around in the chores as much as possible.

5. Do respect the fact that you are in their house and not the other way round.

6. Do follow this when you come to my place :P

Sayonara!

Something romantic...

No...I am not going to write any romantic, mushy stuff, so you can take that "Whaaa-Don't-tell-me!!" frown/expression off you face :)

Just found something while stumbling (which is reeaallly cool...try it!) in Firefox....Check it out -

http://dgrin.com/showthread.php?t=60134

Sayonara!

Happy :)

I was just going through my previous posts and realized I have knack to put things on paper when I'm feeling down (maybe cos it makes me feel better sometimes, but sometimes it acts like alcohol!). Anyways, so the point is, that I have rarely noted the normal/happy times.

So here goes - I'm fairly happy right now! Life's looking up. Things are seeming to work out. I am able to understand things better(People may not agree ;)). I'm able to take things lightly. I've loosened up and not dwelling too much on matters which don't really matter for now. I've started believing - people do grow up. I have started accepting people and their differences. I have started understanding when somebody says - "I'm different in that way!". I have started to realize how complicated relationships are. And I've started realising that "happily ever after" can exist only in fairy tales. I've started to believe that "happy" is something which can be valued only if you know what "sadness" is. I believe that "happily ever after" does exist in real life. You just have to see the silver lining and never give up!
In short, I'm happy! :)

Cheers!

About Roses & Love

Although red rose has always been called the symbol of love, I always found in it a tinge of harshness, a drop of cruelty. Yesterday, I got a chance to study a red rose and a pink rose together. I found myself thinking that actually pink rose seemed more like the sign of pure, innocent love, a love which has trust, sharing, warmth, sweetness, togetherness, companionship and affection. It represents a love which a couple share long after the newness of a relationship is gone. It is for me not only the symbol of love that two people share but also the exquisite bond of friendship that exists between them!

The 'Con'quest....

Questions,
they trouble me not;

Conquest, of the answers
Absence, of the answerer
Restlesness, of unanswered quests
These things, disturb me a lot.

Let Me Go...

One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin' through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just let me go
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I know
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me

~ Let me go by 3 Doors Down