Questions!

These questions keep haunting me - what is love really? What is betrayal? Who defines what is that thin line between cheating and not cheating? Or does it just depend on your gut feeling? What do you do when you see yourself being exploited mentally, and see that the culprit has a clean conscience? What is over-reaction, really? Who defines it?
Does anybody have answers to these?

Sometimes I feel whatever is happening is all my fault! Sometimes I feel that, it is not so...
I don't think it's my fault. I will not let myself take the blame.

On a different and a happier note....I am still able to blog..Yaaaaay!!
Gawd..I have no idea what I'll do without it?!!
Here I can say whatever's bothering me, without worrying that it is going to judge me, advice me (sometimes I just need to let my heart out, w/o being consoled, told right from wrong etc.), or do anything!

Sayonara!

A bad news - They are mostly going to block blogging sites (along with checking mails, chat s/w's, and many other sites) in my company!
Booooo hooooooo hooooo :__(

Hence I may not be able to post something/anything for a long time!!

That makes me really really sad :(
My emotional/creative outlet blocked!!

Boo-hoo again!

My morning walk...

Yea that's right!! All those of you who think I'm a lazy bum....well, think again :) ! I am able to get myself enough motivated (thanks to increasing fat :( due to bloody software job) to get up most of the mornings and go for a brisk walk for around half an hour!

Anyways...enough with the touting! So this post is dedicated to that time of my life, when I'm completely alone, absolutely comfortable with myself (no matter how lousy I look!), more or less at peace, and having absolute fun doing my favorite thing. What is it, you ask? Observing people. Just observing! Its fun...try it sometime.

I see such wonderful things on my way to the park. Almost everyday I see many couples of different shapes and sizes and age, walking side by side. I see a father & son pair. I see a lady with two dogs - out of which, one of the dogs (a beautiful & plump Golden Retriever) is very old and walks/limps slowly behind. The other dog (I have no idea what it is, but it looks a lot like street dog) is very active & young, and is most of the times 10-12 steps ahead of these two. Oh ya, forgot to mention, no leash:) . But I always find the second dog wait for the other two at regular intervals before trotting off ahead again!I see another lady, quite small & chubby, with her golden Retriever talking to him in Marathi! And he actually gets what she says to him. I mean its sooo amazing!And ya here too no leash!

In the park I see many people walking, jogging, exercising, doing Yoga etc. It's encouraging! I see kids playing on the swings & slides. It's cute! I see retired people who have come there to exercise. Its inspiring! I see young college-going couples, probably who have come to meet each other under the pretext of exercising/walking. It's amusing!

A million thoughts are running in my mind while observing all this. I think about my future. Plan things about my life. I'm almost determined to have dog of my own! I plan myriad things about my future home. Whether I will be able to execute them or not is a different question. But I will never forget these amazing walks my entire life!

And the most amazing thing happened today. Before that to clarify some basics - my "brisk walk" is very rampant, something like a march-past done quite fast & rigorously! On my way back from the park, I saw a lady who was quite old, thin, standing on the side of the road wearing a neck-belt. She was probably doing her "bit" of exercise. Seeing me come she smiled. When I reached her she looked up and smiled and said "Ashich chaal ayushabhar!(Keep up this walk your entire life!)". I was so happy to hear what she said. It was euphric to see she's indirectly giving me her blessings. And it was the most amazing feeling that I had. I was verrrrrry happy!
Thank you Aaji! (Translation: Aaji = Granny)

I would have paired this with some snaps..but I forget every morning to take the camera. Will try to upload sometime :)

Sayonara!

Ignorance is bliss!

That is soooo true! Sometimes you are better off going till the end, not knowing a lot of "facts". I think our life is more of what we imagine it in our head to be, rather than what it really is. And I think it's better to go on in that if you are happy, rather than knowing the truth(which most of the times does absolutely nothing more than imparting hurt & pain & disillusionment & disappointment) cos even after knowing it, there's not much that you can do about it!

So come to think of it - two people who seem to be living together, are actually living in two different worlds which exist in their minds. And now just increase the count to three, four, millions! This world is actually a collection of tiny little worlds which are intertwined with each other. And each of us has many lives simultaneously, that we lead in our mind, as well as in others'.

Okay I don know anymore what I am talking about! :D

Sayonara!

The poet inside me!

I just can't write poems!I can't. And neither can I understand them, unless they are very, very straight-forward. And how some people can write long verses, understand complicated poetry with analogies, and comparisons is completely beyond me. The only poem that I have written once (they are four lines which rhyme!) was when I thought myself to be in love(!) in high school. Oh well...thats a biiiig load off my head after that confession! :) The one that says I can't understand/write poetry, not the high school love....du-uh...you've been there! :D

Cheers!

Music & Lyrics :D

I was never much into English music until last couple of years. But I still feel that they cannnnot, ever will not(!) compare with the peppiness, shoulder-bouncing-rhythm, spontaneity of dholaks & tablas in our songs. Or the heart-tearing-lyrics. Or the slow, soft, melodious music of Bansuri matched with words I can actually understand the first time I hear them. :)

But, this is of course my opinion! I'm sure many people will disagree and that too not too kindly :D

Some more rantings!

Yeah that's right! I'm feeling disgusted, churned up, just plain shitty to speak plainly. I know the reason. But I don't know how to put it right. I just don't. Have any of you ever felt that your life was so tangled up that it was very very impossible to untangle it, and when you try to do so, you are just tangling things up even more! Have any of you ever felt that, you just couldn't push yourself anymore and would like to just give everything up and walk away from it..you know..just walk away. I wanna do that. I just wanna feel free...feel there's no such thing like friendship, love, relationships to bind me. I mean yeah these things are necessary and important and blah blah blah...but I think they are just way too overrated! For once, I would just love to shrug my shoulders and say "I don't give a damn!". I wish I didn't have that stupid thing called conscience. I wish I was a little less sensitive. I think I'm too sensitive. Yeah, I overreact too.A lot.I wish I was a dumb ass who didn't not understand anything and was just too stupid to understand stuff like feelings, emotions etc. Hey...wait a minute I don't understand all that even now!I think I am a dumb ass!

Confession

I hate somebody. A lot. They say its baseless. I don't think so. I am not that kind of a person. Maybe I am. I don't care. Just that I hate that person. Even before we met. Even before I got to know what that person is all about. After I got to know, even more. After I saw the effect of having that person involved with an important part of my life, a LOT more. I just hate that somebody! Aaaaargghh!

Cute :)

This is really very cute...!

Happy :)

I was just going through my previous posts and realized I have knack to put things on paper when I'm feeling down (maybe cos it makes me feel better sometimes, but sometimes it acts like alcohol!). Anyways, so the point is, that I have rarely noted the normal/happy times.

So here goes - I'm fairly happy right now! Life's looking up. Things are seeming to work out. I am able to understand things better(People may not agree ;)). I'm able to take things lightly. I've loosened up and not dwelling too much on matters which don't really matter for now. I've started believing - people do grow up. I have started accepting people and their differences. I have started understanding when somebody says - "I'm different in that way!". I have started to realize how complicated relationships are. And I've started realising that "happily ever after" can exist only in fairy tales. I've started to believe that "happy" is something which can be valued only if you know what "sadness" is. I believe that "happily ever after" does exist in real life. You just have to see the silver lining and never give up!
In short, I'm happy! :)

Cheers!

About Roses & Love

Although red rose has always been called the symbol of love, I always found in it a tinge of harshness, a drop of cruelty. Yesterday, I got a chance to study a red rose and a pink rose together. I found myself thinking that actually pink rose seemed more like the sign of pure, innocent love, a love which has trust, sharing, warmth, sweetness, togetherness, companionship and affection. It represents a love which a couple share long after the newness of a relationship is gone. It is for me not only the symbol of love that two people share but also the exquisite bond of friendship that exists between them!

Interesting random qoute

"The people people have for friends
Your common sense appall
But the people people marry
Are the queerest folk of all."

- Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Universal male fantasy

All guys think (read "like to think") - "duniya ki har ek ladki meri diwani hai!"
LOL :D

The 'Con'quest....

Questions,
they trouble me not;

Conquest, of the answers
Absence, of the answerer
Restlesness, of unanswered quests
These things, disturb me a lot.

I miss home...

I’m feeling very lonely. It’s been a week of terrible loneliness as everyone that I hang out with has been busy/away. And the worst part is if I tell my friends I am feeling lonely, a statement which I had stated once about wanting to be left alone, gets thrown right into my face. And then I’m left wondering that if I’m feeling lonely whom do I turn to? I want to go home…I used to think that friends are everything, but now I think that though friends are very very important, but its your family in the end who will stand by you(and also probably wont taunt you about things you said in the past even if you contradict them) no matter what…I guess I better get used to this stupid thing.

I miss home…

Water - The movie

I saw “Water” recently, and that movie really touched my heart. It does not have many dialogues, no exaggerated emotions, no violence, hardly any glossy showy clothing. But yet, it was one of the most effective movies that I saw since a long time. After watching this movie, I felt that to reach out, you don’t need violence, or gaudy, flashy emotional scenes, but what you need is the truth…..simple plain truth, told in simplest of ways. Another significant thing that hit home, was something that Gandhiji has said – “Mujhe lagta tha ki Ishwar hi satya hai, par mein yeh jaan gaya hu ki satya hi Ishwar hai” (“I always believed that Almighty is the Truth, but I have realized now that in fact Truth is Almighty”). And this movie made this statement suddenly so much meaningful for me, and I couldn’t understand why I was so blind to the greatness of it before.

Do watch it if you get a chance...!

Calvin ;)

Do I have to say anything??!!! :D

Let Me Go...

One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin' through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just let me go
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I know
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me

~ Let me go by 3 Doors Down

The Professional Life....My take!

Sometimes… okay not sometimes, almost always life turns out to be rather a disappointment when you expected otherwise and vice-versa. I never had big expectations from professional life, but it still managed to disappoint me and sadden me. Yes, you earn money. Yes you are independent. Yes, you can do what you want i.e. if you mange to find time. Sitting here in my office cubicle, I wonder where my life is going. I had always dreamt of becoming somebody important, had always wanted to do new innovative things, which I couldn’t before because I did not want to burden my parents unnecessarily. And here I am, after almost 5 months of professional life, I don’t see much that I have done except for reading many books (though that I used to do before also) and write a lot of blogs.

Everyday I come to office to straight faced strangers I see in the elevator and on my work-floor. The only words of “hi” & “gm” (short for good morning) that I exchange is on chat. I talk to people and joke around, but the only people whom I think are not pretending are hardly two or three. Sometimes I get a feeling that all of us are robots sitting in these four wooden walls, not even finding time to go and see the sunset from the balcony or go to a garden perhaps. Robots, who come alive only when they are chatting on Google talk. Robots who seem human only on weekends. I am afraid that I will turn into one of them. There’s a lot of pretense and strangeness in the air. And it suffocates me and makes me think do I really want such a life. Do all these people want such a life. Isn’t there more to life than eating, sleeping & working?

And while I am at it…Just wanted to share something that I found, something that can only be read about :)

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,
" Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye. "

4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears
and grimace.

5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "
Sorry, I really prefer it this way. "

6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors
open.


THREE-POINT DARES

1) Say to your boss, " I like your style " and shoot him with
double-barreled fingers.

2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, " Did you get all
that, I don't want to have to repeat it. "

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle
(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


FIVE POINT DARES

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to
conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you
actually launch into it yourself).

2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with
growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as " Bob. "

4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you " really have to go do a
number two. "

5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As
in " The report's on your desk, Mon. " Keep this up for 1 hour.

6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and
mutter, " Shut up, all of you just shut up! "

8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, " As God as my
witness, I'll never go hungry again. "

9) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10 am slot: " See how I
look in tights. " (5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your
boss)

10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, " You wanna
trade? "

11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: " Do
you hear that? " " What? " " Never mind, it's gone now. "

12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, " I can't
talk about it. "

13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a
lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very
important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and
act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits,
smashing each biscuit with your fist.

18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the
door.

19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee,
move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

Calvin :)

Another one for before the week ends!