Real Life or Fairy Tale?

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I was given a choice. A choice of living in the fairy tale or real life. I don’t remember what I chose. But when I woke up I was very confused. What would I choose? What would anyone choose? I discussed this with my friends. One of them agreed with me, that the real life is too real sometimes. Sometimes we need those fairy tale moments just to reinforce our beliefs. But given a choice would we choose to abandon the real world and go live in a fairy tale? A place where there are difficulties to overcome, battles to be fought, combination of good and bad people to deal with; just like our world. But there’s also an end to it all. There’s also the magic potion, the handsome prince charming, and the funny friend always standing by your side! And most importantly there is ALWAYS “a happily ever after”. And there I thought I had my answer. Obviously yes!

But somewhere inside, I was not satisfied. It’s the damned beliefs I tell ya! Even though here, it was the belief in my own world. Despite that I come to hate it so much sometimes, the fact that it was my own to hate, was not allowing me to let go of it so easily, even in my post, even fictionally! I wondered why it was so difficult to accept an easy choice? Because we are trained to distrust the easier options? Or was there some other catch? I kept thinking, not just for hours, but for a good couple of days (wow, I really must care after all, think of all the time I spent thinking for the world I don’t even like most of the times!!). And then like a brick it hit me right in the head! ‘Seeing stars in broad daylight’ excluded (Sorry to disappoint you all!). The catch is – A fairy tale is good for only one person, the main character! It’s nice and happy in the end only for the Snow Whites, the Cinderellas, and the Shreks. What if, you are one of the dwarfs, or the ugly sister, or god forbid the Donkey!! And that’s the best thing about real world. We may not have magic potions, but we do have support of our family and friends which gives more strength than any magic potion. We may still have to deal with good and bad people and have battles to fight, but we know it’s all manageable. And there is no single happy ending, but there are many happy pauses, which work just as well, sometimes even better! And most importantly, in real life, you are the main character, the hero, the star of your story! For better or for worse!

Sayonara!

The Break-up

Yesterday, I got to thinking about relationships, any kind of relationship, and how there's always a break-up involved. If not anything else, it’s the "till death do us part" and the death does do people apart, and hence my point - There is always a break-up involved.

It’s sad and difficult and mind-crunching and stomach-twisting. And more so, if the break-up is the kind which we generally take it to be. A "break-up" break-up is without a doubt the most difficult phase of the relationship. And yes, most definitely it is as much the part of the relationship as the “flirting”, “going-out” or “being-there” is. As long as there's an emotion connecting two people, I believe, there's still a relationship, a thin string attached. And break-up is the last, the longest and the most painful emotion that two people share. And probably that is why it is so long and painful, because it is the tribute to everything shared before, a silent and sad eulogy, because this is where you can remember everything except the reason why you broke up. And yet somewhere deep down you just know you have to keep going, because there's no turning back after this.

I heard somewhere that it takes half the time of the duration of the relationship, to completely get over it. I don't know if it’s true. But this, I know - It may be possible to get over a relationship but it is next to impossible to get over a person. How do you just forget the one person, who was so important once, that you gave him all the right and the power to hurt you and make you happy or sad by his mere words? You may take him out of your life, but you cannot take him out of your heart, your mind. There will be a place in your heart reserved only for him, forever. There will always be a part of your heart, a small corner, where his memories will be locked up. That place in your mind, where you can happily remember him, and someday accept him to be as a painful, yet an exquisitely beautiful past, something that you will cherish for the rest of your life, something that nobody can take away, not even his own self if at all your paths happen to cross again.

And all there is, is the hope to reach there someday, that place, that state of mind, where one can happily think of the past as something worthwhile, something that gave a chance to give as much as receive, something that will always be enlaced in heart's deepest corners as a delicate memory to be treasured till the end of the eternity.

A hope for the end that is not bitter. Anymore.

Yes, it does!

Yes....Trust DOES have an expiry date. Mine just came for the certain individual whom I had addressed a few posts back.
At this point I almost feel cynical, and determined not to trust again.....ever!
But that's not the point, I just wanted to answer the question I asked.

Later!

Does trust have an expiry date?

Trust....something which I've always known, but believe that its now, that I've truly understood what it means.Or atleast I "trust" that I am in the process of understanding it :). Here, so far from home and close ones, you truly understand what it is that people are and how difficult it is to find the right people. And when I say right people, I mean right for you. Because,everybody is nice, but you may not find them so, only because of the circumstances. Maybe they are just not right for you. Maybe the time is not right yet.

So how do you figure out who the right people are? I guess you just know. Just like you know which dress to buy, when you see it(Though constrains like "money in the bank account" may actually stop you from buying it ;) ). I've realized after coming here, that there are so very few people in this world whom you can really trust. And then I started wondering, does even trust like every other emotion (sparing a bare few) have an expiry date. Of course, you can never stop trusting your parents, even siblings you may not trust for some reason but parents you can never not trust. I am talking about the trust which exists between two people out of bloodlock(if there exists such a term:)).

Does that have an expiry date, like you know for example canned milk, and like how it just ceases to be fit to drink after its expiry date. Just like that does even trust cease to exist between two people one day? When the relationship becomes sour, and when you just cant take anymore of it. You just have to throw it away. Or maybe cos the other person decides its time to not care about the trust anymore.

And if there exists a date like this, who defines it and how do you find out what it is?

I want to break free...

You left without a second glance
It all happened as if in a trance
I don't want to be trapped in an emotion
Pull me out, I am sinking into oblivion

Trust me!

In the recent turn of events in my life, I started trusting somebody, only after knowing them a couple of weeks. And then I came to my senses with a jerk.

And yet again, started asking questions -
How long before you start trusting someone? Should there be a time period defined, like they do while hiring, a 6 month probation period before full-time trust? Should you trust your gut-feeling, or should you listen to your brain?

I think sometimes, you just trust someone because at that moment you just want to trust that person, for this need to trust someone, because you are feeling so vulnerable. I got to discussing this with my friend, and she thought that sometimes strangers can be better listeners and maybe its for the best that you trust someone at that moment.

My dear not-a-stranger-anymore,
If you ever read this and understand that it is for you, I trusted you because I believed there was chemistry between us, there was a spark, and thankfully you have done nothing to break my trust yet.
But its best for me to break away from the shackles of vulnerability, where I give you the power to hurt me.
I think it will take a while before I am okay with giving you that power.
-Me

Later!

Sanity is a curse!

Dear Diary,

We had a party today. The three namesake houses that are considered as one. I always feel lonely at parties, uncomfortable in a group of people whom I don't know properly, to whom I can't say more than 3 sentences. Today I felt that exaggerated feeling of loneliness and emptiness inside me. With a room full of people, all drunk, all insane in their own world, swaying to music, dancing madly, and doing what their heart wanted. All I wanted to do was run, run away to my sane world, the world I know, the world of soberness. I don't drink. Not because I can't. Because I don't want to. Because I believe I am high enough on life. I don't think I need another stimulant.

It's strange how people behave when high. It's like you don't know them. And every person you catch saying - I'm not high, rest assured he's completely high. I feel scared of such people. More than scared, I feel awkward and unsure of how I should behave. And worried about some close ones.

It's weird. It's strange. It's almost alien. This feeling. I can't wait for my world to become sane again.

Ciao,
Shruti

After a long time..............

Calvin Time!! :) :D

If everyone cared...

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

~Nickelback

Being nice - investment or humanity?

This question has been nagging me for the past coupla days now. And no matter how much I ponder, I can't figure out the answer. Is being nice an investment or an act of humanity? When did being nice become an investment from the plain old "being nice"? And are all of us being nice only for a selfish motive at the end of the day?

I myself know that sometimes, I treat people nicely for some unseen time when I might need their favor. Its selfish and maybe even mean. But most of the times I am a nice pleasant person, who without any ulterior motive likes to put a smile on people's faces. No questions asked.

But recently, I discovered that sometimes, people refrain from doing that simple unselfish task of niceness, because there are low returns at the end of it. Is this right? I am confused, because if you look at it this way - they are at least not fooling a person to believe something which does not exist. They are being forthright & honest about their feelings. On the other hand, sometimes maybe its better to keep a person in dark rather than have them know the harsh truth, which can only hurt them.

And I kept asking myself, is it right to keep a person in dark by making nice, or is it better to come clean and move on in life?

Random stuff....

- I have been watching a lot of Sex & the City lately.(Yes....I am old enough to watch it AND understand it....) So much so that I actually got a little bored while watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S!!Gosh....I need to stop watching it!Not only I am addicted, I got my roommates addicted to it too!

- I love their shoe-craze. I think I am developing one myself :)

- I love their friendship.

- I am thinking of boycotting Valentine's Day from my life. No heart-break stories here people. The peer pressure is too much to take, and besides the response - "I have boycotted this useless day!!" sounds much more elegant than "ummm....uhuhuh....nuthing much" when people go like - "Soo-o what are your plans for the big day??"

- I am loving my single life right now. For the first time in my life, I don't feel bad about not having that someone special!Its great!!

- I have many questions in my mind about relationships, friendships. I think I keep getting more and more confused as I grow up. What's wrong with me? Am I growing backwards??[No Pun Intended :| ]

About average!!

So....this friend of mine, (unintentionally I think) pointed out, why on orkut he had given only one of the girls in our group the "sexy" rating - "Because you are pretty!". Huh!
Now I have a question. No I have several questions -
Is this right?I mean yeah agreed she's pretty, but does that give friends the right to judge other not-so-pretty people and also point out accordingly? Does sexiness depend only on looks(I know I know...obviously it does...but yet again...does it??). And is it right to get upset over something like this?

Even when you know, that what was said was probably true. Nope it IS true!Even though you go through such discrimination every f***ing day of your life (and also discriminate yourself sometimes!), and eventually learn to take it in your stride, and finally think you have grown immune to all such things....suddenly when you encounter such differentiation yet again from an angle you had least expected this to come from!Does it hurt? You bet it does!!

I am upset!Yes I really really am!I think I speak for all the "about-average" people out there, friends are the quarter we least expect such things from. Whatever!!
I think of it this way - at least this way we find people and friends, who are there with you or there for you, not just because you have a pretty face, but because of you.

Best!

Assignments, Jobs......and then some Life!

Its been really really really long since I posted anything! I don't know why. Actually I think I do. I am not about to give the same old excuse of being caught up in assignments, project etc. Because its just stupid! I just read a blog of a working wife & mother of two kids. And that just put me to shame. So here I am trying to get some grip on my life and also hoping to write more often.

So?Wat has been up with me lately?Many things actually. I won't say I am getting used to the life here. Because I know that is just an illusion. I am still not used to it yet...won't be for another year perhaps. But at least my life has been comparatively better because of some wonderful company, bearable jobs, and pretty okay semester till now(Isn't it interesting how I've listed the one thing that I actually came here for, in the end :)). Anyway. I don't care if you all don't want the details. Cos I am going to give it anyhow.

Okay.Lets start with friends. Have you been with a group of people, who swear twice in every sentence, drink 3 nights a week, and are as adorable as hugsies??No?Dude you gotta come to 313 Huntington Avenue then. I somehow always believed, guys who drink & smoke are not good. I have so changed my belief now. I mean how can you not like a bunch of people who are always there for you no matter what. Who crack the funniest of jokes. Who are there to put a smile on your face, every time you feel low. And who are just so adorable! I was chatting with my roommate some days back, and while pacifying her and trying to make her see the good in our lives right now, I realized it myself. I realized how lucky I am to be in such wonderful group of people in a strange country. A bunch of people whom I can count on. Trust me, it feels wonderful! It feels safe.

Jobs. Yes I am a cashier & a proctor(watchman if you will). And I have two words for you. Not easy! I mean to start with juggling between two jobs is itself kinda overwhelming. On top of it, being a cashier is lot more difficult than it seems like on the surface. Many people ask me why I don't leave it. Since I anyways have the other job. And many have done it too. They left this one when they got another and I don't blame them. Its not the best of jobs - pays less, hard work. So why haven't I left it? Okay here's my answer. I like to have my options open. People who know me, will vouch for the fact that I absolutely hate having no back-up option or back-up plan. Selfish?Yes maybe it is. But there are more reasons than just this. I like it. Yes I like it. I like to work there, because the managers there are really sweet and kind. Because this was the first place which helped me earn my bread and butter in this country. I owe something to them. I cant waste their training by just quitting. I know it's probably stupid, but there it is.

Working as a cashier has been one hell of an experience for me. Trust me, its not easy. I think it's more difficult than working as a software engineer. Because here you deal with people. As in deal with them right then and there. All kinds of people - nice, sweet, rude, impassive, impatient. And you gotta handle them. And its seriously fun. Earlier I used to get really tensed if someone was in a hurry, or feel really bad if somebody was rude to me, feel really happy if somebody was nice to me. Now I've become impassive towards all of this...well almost. If somebody is rude to me. I just give them a bad service :P . If somebody is nice to me, I give them extra smiles & have a good day wishes. If somebody's in a hurry, well I can't really help it. Can I? Remember the time when you are like really in a big hurry and you just want the person behind the counter to step on it? Lets just say, I know both sides of the coin now.

The proctor job. Thats just a fancy name for a watchman who sits in the lobby of university dorms and swipes cards for students to let them in. Easy? Pretty much. Except for the extreme inflexibility and odd times of shifts. Imagine getting up at 5 for a morning shift, when you were wide awake till 2 in the morning. Trust me it sucks. And the worst part is you get fired(!!) if you miss your shifts!!I am not complaining. Who promised this was going to be easy anyways??!!

My semester. Lets just say that its going really really fast. And I am actually glad for it. Only four weeks left (yippppeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!), and I know they are going to be the most difficult ones. I just hope & pray that I get through them without losing it. And get to the winter vacation fast!! :)

Till then.....Sayonara people!

Interesting...

Two halves have little choice but to join;
And yes they do make a whole
but two wholes when they coincide...
That is beauty.
That is love!

Did you ever...?

Did you ever......

- Feel the helplessness & pain of things/people slipping away from you...partly cos of your own actions...partly cos thats how life is...

- Notice that somehow the same people who have no time for you, have time for others...and you thought they were close to you...and more importantly they keep saying you are close to them...

- Acknowledge that people try to fool you on emotions...and you even believe them not because they are truthful, but because, you need to for your own sake...

- Feel unworthy because of distinction coming from the opposite sex...

- Regard life as the most boring affair, at that time in your life...and you have no clue what to do...

- Long that your best friend should be around, more than your family...

- Feel the pain and irony of the situation where you meet your Mr. Right and then realize that it is not, never going to work out because he is already engaged elsewhere...

- Wish you had straight hair instead of wavy (bloody hell...wavy hair suck!!!)

- Wish you were a little more girly!! (grin.... :D)

- Wonder - are people weird or is it me??

- Wish that all you had to do was travel around the world, read good books, listen to music, sing and play the guitar(or learn to play one), surf the net for fun (and not to search answers for algorithms assignments!!)....and still earn good money?

- Start writing a post and then go - hmmm...I have no idea how I should end this post....

Later!

Happy B'day!!!

Call me a narcissistic if you like but yes I am gonna write about my own birthday!For one thing it was something I had hardly expected to be like just after a month's stay in US. It was rocking!!!All thanks to my roommates and precious friends, whom I'm so lucky to have got! For one thing my roomies embarrassed the hell outta me by sending me on stage in a party yesterday night, with entire audience singing "Happy Birthday to you"...but on a brighter side, what they did was also something so very very special...something nobody has done for me before :)
Thank you guys.....!!! *hugs*
and guys - stop fighting to take more credit in this! It does not matter (to me!) I loved it anyways!! (and thats all that should matter to you!) :P

They got a cake, invited friends and we had a rocking time playing dumb charades :P
Simple. Uncomplicated. Fun. As one of the friend quoted yesterday - "the important thing is that we are having fun". So I am just soo-oo glad that I got to have so much fun, that too unexpectedly!(I know I am saying that again and again, but thats how I feel!And since its my birthday, I can have the privilege of saying anything I want!). After others left, my roomies insisted on talking/chatting till the wee hours of morning, and chat we did, with me struggling to keep my eyes open, and them calling "Shruti" every 5 min when they saw my eyes closed. Finally at 5 am I got everybody to sleep, threatening them that they should listen to me as its my birthday and many other things which I absolutely cannot remember right now. I am quite creative in my sleep too. But the fact is I was trying since a long time and i think even they were feeling sleepy :P

I wanted to upload photos also, and I will do it eventually, once I get them. But I just wanted to capture the essence of the feeling - that warm feeling of closeness that you get when you are having fun with friends, whom you have just met some days back, but you know inside, its going to end up in something really strong. I just pray to God that we can retain this innocence of our friendship for a long long long time!

God bless & Cheers!

PS: Thanks to everyone who took time and energy (trust me, its really precious here and cannot be wasted easily! I would know!!) to make it for my birthday and make me feel so special...Thank you all!!!!

Back to square one!

I am sitting in algorithms class, trying to not sleep :)
and guess wat, unlike India, here I get to do this!!!!

Okay back to lecture now!!!!

Today

I did laundry in the US for first time.
I cried because I am missing my family, friends and my country!

I miss India...I miss my friends....I miss mom, dad!

:(

Wel-kham to Bahstun!!

Okay that was - Welcome to Boston.

Yeah its true. I am here. Finally!

A few days before my arrival here, a well-meaning friend advised me - Beware of other students, they are very different here without their shell. I didn't quite understand it then. Now, I do! :) But I'll go into that later.

I think I should start from the start...yeah this is going to be quite long and the only savig factor would be - me getting bored of writing :)

So buckle up people, here's a sneak-peek into my US-travel and an 8-odd stay till now.

Okay, I don't want to bore you all by describing my flight, which in a few words consisted only of - sleep, drinking lots of water & juices(free of cost of course!), some real sad meals, shrek-3(he he), and some more sleeping. In the first half, I was seated in a cramped economy class, but somehow for the second half I had a seat in the first-class which had ample leg space to stretch in! I think the guy in Bombay who gave me both the boarding passes liked my cute little innocent (yeah right!) face!Whatever... Fortunately for me, immigration & customs check went as smooth as a layer of butter (be ready to face such food analogies, deprived of good food for 8 days can do this to you too!). The taxi ride from airport to my temporary accomodation for 20 days cost me around Rs.1280 ($32)! Can you beat that?!!In that amount I can go back n forth between Pune and Bombay atleast 4 times, including in-between journey food. Anyways, my first impression of Boston & US so to say was - hmmmm..well..this looks OK.....Honestly I wasn't impressed that much, not at all awed and amazed, as probably I had always imagined I would be. So I reach my temporary accomodation. And was advised by my friend NOT TO SLEEP. Well, you see I reached in the afternoon around 3, and to avoid jet-lag. So I ventured out alone, to check my university. It was exciting & a little scaring too, to roam in a foreign place, alone. It was fun to watch the foreigners. Although to put it in politically correct language I was the foreigner, and it was nice to be that for a change. The day passed quickly, and I don't really recall much as I was feeling too sleepy, except that I was missing home way too much, so much that I was wishing I had never come. In fact even today, I feel that sometimes(Shoot me if you want, but it's been just 8 days, what do you expect??!!)

From second day started my experiences which I think I will hardly forget ever in my life. It was these past eight days which helped me understand what my friend had qouted earlier. I was ditched unfairly by some people, met some really understanding people, and also grew up a little more. This was the period when I really understood that leaving your shell back home can make you take steps which can be almost cruel. Last eight days have consisted of nothing but, on-campus job hunt, place-to-live hunt, and some more on-campus job hunt. A lot of frustrating momets, moments when I broke down and cried like a baby, momemts when I missed India, family & friends so much it made feel almost suffocated, moments when I wanted to have faith in God and surrender to him all my worries, moments when I did just that, moments when I was amused, impressed with people around me, thankful for some people, not happy with a few others. I know in some days, I will put all this behind me. I know that some day after 2-3 years I will remember this period and feel nostalgic. But today, trust me it's not easy to go through with! It's not easy not to loose faith and patience. But I'm holding on, waiting for something good. I am sure God will not leave me alone and has a better plan for me than I can ever imagine.

Anyways, till that plan is disclosed to me, let me make some observations about this place called US of A:
- Many people break signals here too, but traffic is very very organized.
- Many drivers actually stop and let you cross the road voluntarily, the zebra-crossing or the crosswalk as its called here, has a respect.
- Truck drivers have the same obscene look all over the world.
- Everything is larger than life size here, right from cars to bananas to onions to potatoes to even people!
- American guys are cute :) and have really good physique (I have had like a million one-minute crushes till now). Not only they possess the looks but also the chivalry and sensitivity that, most Indian men lack/ignore/think nothing of.
- Customer service is something they understand quite well, even though they are less brighter than us.

Anyways, some of the nice things about Boston that I've seen till now include Charles river-side (its very romantic!!!), Waltham(a suburb out of Boston which has the BEST-LOOKING houses ever), the British look that Boston carries in most of its parts and my university. I will update, once I have some more observations to make, till then I am holding-on!!
Here. In Boston.

Sayonara!

On being late...

No not the late you think. Okay wait...Let me start from the start....

The other day, my mom and I visited somebody. Who? That's not important. The thing is - being in Chennai, my mom has no friends, relatives here and she gets bored. She tries everything to make herself busy in activities of her interest. Now, there's a group called "Maharashtra Samaj" formed by Marathi people. They are putting up a skit. And my mom saw this as a good opportunity of keeping herself busy as well as meeting new people. It didn't work out. Why? Not because she can't act, as she has won prizes for her acting skill in her college days. And if you want another proof , then maybe you should see me act someday (ahem!). I get my acting skills from her! So why did she get rejected? Because she was late. She was 20 years late for that role. That role was for a 30-year old woman. But 20 years back my mom was so wrapped up in taking care of us, she could not find time for herself. And now when she has time, time is gone. Is this one of the little jokes of the so called Life? It's NOT funny!!!

Why does a woman have to sacrifice her life, her hobbies, her interests. Does she feel less? No I think it's because she feels more! And please don't give reasons like "thats-how-it-always-has-been" or"because-she's-a-woman". They are just crap! Utter crap! Why is it, that when a woman sacrifices her job, her career, her life its only expected from her; and when a man does it, people shower him with accolades?

Is this fair? Is this right? Is this how life of a woman should be just because she's a woman?
And let me tell you something ironic - this role was available only because the woman who was supposed to play this role cannot give time as her kids' exams are coming!!

I wish I could make a difference!